I first dipped my fat toes into Tomb Raider when I was about 14. I’d borrowed the game, so I never fully immersed myself as there was that unspoken borrowing time limit, and 14 year old girls are demanding, impatient and fucking evil. Of course I wasn’t. I was kind and patient and nursed helpless animals back to health after they’d suffered animal accidents, but like, the other bitches were. Nowadays I only borrow to keep. So, fyi, you’re not getting those DVDs or books back.
I only properly got into it when my dad bought me Tomb Raider 2, I can’t remember why (although I probably impatiently demanded it), but I do remember the adverts.. THERE ARE NONE ONLINE?! Christ I can find an advert for fucking shoes in the 80s, but not Tomb Raider 2. You can read reviews from 1997 online, about how great the graphics are (were)..
I feel like I’m actually there..
We spared no expenses on the floor to ceiling patterns.
Here’s a segment from an 1997 lol review “Tomb Raider was all about looks, and Tomb Raider II continues that trend. When running the game with a 3Dfx card, it’s often tempting to simply sit back and take in the view”.. Back when we all did enjoy a good pixel or 2.
Mapping the background = image x repeat infinity
Obviously things have changed, for the better, but also, for the worse.. The new game, whilst fun and enjoyable is a bit easy, and less, cray cray find the dragons, solve the puzzles, find the secrets, find the treasure and learn the cheats so you can have a full arsenal of weaponry including a spear gun..
Fire and dragon graphics. A masterpiece of gaming.
Basically, tomb raiding is minimal.. I raced through the game, looting maybe one or two tombs, I didn’t find much or do much.. But thats okay, there’s way more killing. Killing with a bow and arrow, killing with a fire bow and arrow, killing with explosives, killing with guns, killing with pickaxes. And there are a variety of things to kill; dogs, birds, deer, men, samurai.. No dinosaurs or pixelated Venetian thugs though.
It wasn’t really Tomb Raider as it’s been before; Lara is nervous, young and inexperienced. She’s gutsy but sloppy.. It’s quite a bit different from the original where she’s an arrogant, calm and sly, I did love that Lara.
Fun new things!
But Tomb Raider 2013 is violent, sweary, quick and fun. Also, if like me you’re a emotional sadist, you’ll enjoy the tear streaks on her bloodied face. It’s also cool watching her clothing deteriorate over the game, as well as seeing the mud wipe away when it rains. Nice touches. You can also fast travel, which I guess, if you want to play it properly you’ll need to do, as there are parts at the beginning which you can’t do until you have items from further into the game. I guess I would have done this if I wasn’t rushing through it all like a nervous sweaty handed oaf. Much like the new Lara. I am nothing, if not a method gamer.
Step aside Piegella, I’m going to fucking bake and there’s nothing you or a nation of fussy, adept, “foodie” bastards can do about it.
I’m not patient, I have a short attention span, I hate using more than one utensil and I don’t like following instructions, so baking really isn’t for the likes of me. However I do like eating cakes and pies and sugar.. So when you see a box at the supermarket that says things like “are you lazy and fat? Do you like eating? Is one of your key food groups sugar? I bet it is you tubby bastard! LOL *winky face*” then you know you have to try them.
I bought Betty Crocker ‘Red Velvet’ cake mix and Betty Crocker vanilla frosting.
Yeah, you caught me, call the foodie police..
Here’s what happened.. It says mix the bag of shit with eggs and water and oil, either by hand or electronically. No brainer.
There’s no whisk attachment. So hope for the best with a blade.
Things you won’t need:
Cream of tartar, anyone?
It’s not very red, so feel free to add your own free pour measures of red food colouring.. It’s still kind of pinky gross.. Feel overwhelmed and exhausted.
It’s actually better if its a year past its use-by-date.
Also even though you don’t know anything about baking, feel free to add other ingredients.. I added some white chocolate drops. Why not right? Here I did a video of the process.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JIeSOCIK14 You’ve pre-heated the oven and greased two baking trays that are different sizes, you eventually only use one, but grease both anyway. You do this because it says so on the packet and someone reminds you and although you’re not a baker, you’re not a moron.
Just call me Superwoman..
You pour the mixture into both trays and then realise they’re different sizes and it’ll look silly once you build the cake, and you worry about what the baking community will think about you. Scrape the mixture out and pour into the larger tin.
Put it in the fucking oven.
Remember to shut the door, idiots.
So bored of baking.
Have a milkshake.
Why not, what else are you going to have? Sodawater?
Add some Kaluha to the milkshake as you’re not a fucking 5 year old.
Take the cake out, and even though its been in well over the allocated time, it’s still wobbly. Put it back in and Google your queries.
Look at your mums teatowel drawer and her wine.
Some wine options for later.
Remember that one day, you’ll be like this..
Test the frosting with your finger, like an animal.
It’s delicious and gross in extreme yet equal measures. Which are my favourite kind of measures.
The online mums baking club suggest putting foil on top so it doesn’t burn. Do this. Check out how people feel about alcohol in the frosting.
Research some alternatives..
You’ll be more or less completely drunk now, so make sure you burn yourself at least twice.
Play with the slop..
Forget to take photos of it post-bake and resting on a wire rack, but I’m sure we all fucking know what that looks like. Put the fucking frosting on it.
Make sure you make it look as moon like as possible.
Cover up all burnt bits with some diabetes.
Got my thick pajamas out, spent about 30 hours waiting for Skryim to update since I last played in February, dug out my coats, started slow cooking, so that the kitchen is warm and am in the mood to watch some Victorian Farm, like an asshole. Guess it’s autumn.
With Friends Like These Karin Bubaš, 2009